I think I’m having some kind of medical issue.

Maybe one of you can offer me some advice? I don’t have insurance and I can’t afford a trip to the ER. It doesn’t seem life threatening, though, so I might wait it out. I’ve always been a bit of a hypochondriac and I bet I’m just overreacting. Still, if anyone is interested in coming over and checking me out, just send me a message. I’d really appreciate it.

I was walking through the wooded area behind my home and I found this weird gray stuff oozing out of a rock. It was shiny and made me think of jellied lead. I’d never seen anything quite like it before. Since I moved out of the city ten years ago, I frequently walked around the many acres of woods near the house and never saw anything weirder than a squirrel eating a dead hawk. So this was new to me.

I took a branch and poked at the stuff. It resisted a little before it broke open, causing a more liquidy version to flow out from inside. I grabbed a smaller stick and scooped up a tiny bit of the stuff and walked back to the house. Part of me was worried that it fell from a plane or something and might be a toxic threat to the environment.

When I got home, I scraped the goo onto a dish I never used and threw the stick in the garbage. I shone some light on the plate, and I swear, the stuff moved a little. It’s not like it jumped up and made scary tentacles or anything like that; no, it just kind of spread out in a weird way. Almost like how jellyfish try to hide in the sand when they feel threatened. After I killed the light, it gradually reassumed its original shape. My guess was that the heat from the lamp made it melt.

I decided to wait until tomorrow morning and bring it to the local university just to be on the safe side. I don’t know what it was about the stuff, but I was really, really uneasy around it. When I left for an hour or two and went to the store to get groceries, I returned to find the plate empty and a streak of gray grease going off the plate, across the counter, and onto the floor. There wasn’t a trail indicating where it went after that.

Honestly, I was a little freaked out. I bent down and looked all over the place and never found the stuff. But it found me.

At first, I thought the sensation on my bare ankle was just a mosquito, so I slapped at it without thinking. Obviously, looking back, that was the wrong idea. The gray stuff spread out all over my palm, then the rest of my hand, then my arm, side, chest, back, and the rest of me. Long story short, I’m completely covered in the gray substance. But here’s the thing, and it’s why I’m not particularly worried: it feels amazing.

I know, I know, it sounds weird. But in all honesty, I’ve never felt anything like it. In fact, I was so taken by the sensation that I went back outside, over to the rock where the stuff was, and pulled as much of it off as I could and brought it into the house. Now, like I said in the beginning, I do think I’m having some sort of medical issue. It’s definitely not something I’ve ever experienced before or even heard of, so I think it’s important to get checked out. But still, I can’t get over how great the experience is. The stuff smells wonderful, too. And right now, as it spreads over my tongue, it tastes better than anything I’ve ever put in my mouth. Please, anyone who might be interested in investigating either for their own curiosity or as a medical precaution, just leave a message right here and I’ll give you directions to my home. I’d be so happy if someone came over.

Please. Come visit me. Come visit us.

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