Something horrible is happening to me on Reddit.

(Horror stories about Reddit confessions.)

I’m not really sure how to explain this properly without sounding like a lunatic, but I’m going to try my best. Over the last few years, I’d gained some notoriety after posting unsettling vignettes in the comments of some /r/wtf posts. I don’t know if they’d count as Reddit confessions or anything like that. Most of them were just humorous and deliberately disgusting, but I always figured people visiting that subreddit and looking at whatever gross picture I was commenting on would be able to handle them.

Then, last fall, I started frequently writing stories for /r/NoSleep. I stopped creating those little vignettes in order to concentrate on more “proper” work. It all went pretty well. I surprised myself with my prolificacy and it appeared I’d tapped into a creative pool that had been inaccessible to me for two decades. Toward the end of last month, though, some disturbing things started happening.

It started off with a few strange messages. All of them said something similar, like “why don’t you post on /r/wtf anymore?” The odd thing was, instead of a username, it just said [deleted]. The first couple times, I just ignored them. I’m used to getting weird messages and emails. I figure it’s the cost of doing business when you write the kind of stuff I write. On May 24th, I got something different.

To properly contextualize what I’m about to say, I need to bring up one of my more popular /r/wtf posts. It was inspired by a .gif of a ribbon worm extending its proboscis. Here’s the link. My comment, which both delighted and sickened thousands of people was:

“Imagine bringing the head of your cock face-to-face with that beautiful creature. The tip of your penis would touch the tip of its mouth, and it would carefully insert its proboscis into your urethra. From there, it could make a decision: will it go to your bladder? Or will it go to your prostate?

It’s a difficult decision for the Creature, but it eventually goes the way of the prostate. You moan as the tendril squirms its way into that walnut-sized semen factory, which has already started producing way more than it’s used to.

The other end of the Creature is flopping happily between your legs. It gives your testicles a tantalizing tease. You let out a coquettish giggle. “Oh Creature,” you sigh.

Soon, your prostate will be ready. With an orgasm that sends shockwaves through every muscle in your body, you ejaculate countless spermatozoa into the mouth of your Creature lover. Gently, you feel its proboscis retract. You shiver with a touch of overstimulation as you realize it had branched off in many directions while inside you, and it had just started unravelling from the inside of your scrotum.

Once you are two separate creatures again, you bring it up to your mouth. Carefully, you squeeze its belly. Like a world-class pastry chef working a tube of icing, you coat your tongue with the sperm you’d released into your lover. It’s been mixed with the enzymes it naturally produced to aid in its digestion process. Grinning, you put the Creature on your shoulder. You love morning sex. Now it’s time for you two to have a beautiful day together.”

I’ll be the first to admit it’s not exactly Nabokov or Hemingway. But still, it catapulted me to a weird level of fame in /r/wtf, and I’d frequently get notified of my username being mentioned whenever something gross was posted and people would want me to write a story about it.

Now, that little above vignette was from June 5, 2015. Years ago ago. It was when I’d gradually started transitioning to /r/NoSleep content, but still hadn’t really done much of note aside from weird Reddit confessions. When the [deleted] messages started coming through last month, that was the first vignette that was directly referenced. “I was so inspired by the story about the sea creature and the lucky man. I can’t wait to show you.”

Then, on May 25th, the day after I got the message I just mentioned, I received a link. Also from [deleted]. I’m still kicking myself for clicking it. I’ve worked in IT for 15 years. I know never to click ANYTHING that’s unfamiliar. But for whatever reason, I did. And I think I’ll always regret it.

The link was to some .ru site. It had a video player in the middle of the page and nothing else. I’m not going to go into detail. All I’ll say was someone created a crude mechanical ribbon worm out of some latex and what had to be a rotary pipe cleaner. There was a man strapped to a table. He was nude. Over the course of the 30 second video, which depicted a much-longer period of activity but played at an increased speed, I watched the tool bury itself into the man’s anatomy, just like how I’d described in the vignette. I slammed my laptop shut at the 24 second mark, when the end of the tool exploded out from inside the man’s left testicle.

When I opened my laptop, the site reloaded itself and brought up a 404. I checked my Reddit inbox, and all the [deleted] messages was gone. A mail to the administrators went unnoticed or unread. I tried my best to forget about what had happened, but then I got something else a while later.

This time, the [deleted] message referenced a vignette I’d written about a wolf spider. Here’s the picture and here’s the vignette:

“Wolf spiders are quite docile. A trick to interacting with one is to approach it from behind and carefully pick it up by its abdomen. Make sure you do this slowly; you don’t want any of her children to be disturbed. Also, remember to have a friend nearby.

Place the abdomen in your mouth and press upward with your tongue until the spider bursts against your soft palate. This will get the baby spiders to move around quite a bit, but you’ll be ready for them. Take the penis of your friend and insert it into your mouth, being extra cautious to let as few of the babies escape as possible.

Perform fellatio on your friend. Your mouth should be quite slick with the combination of the spider mulch and your warm saliva. The difficult part here will be to use your tongue to force as many baby spiders into his urethra as possible before he ejaculates. It’s well-worth the effort, and thanks to the high number of wolf spiders in certain parts of the world, it’s easy enough to try again if he orgasms too quickly.”

Again, I’m aware it’s not quite Anaïs Nin or anyone else with talent. But [deleted] appeared to care very deeply about what it meant. The following day, I received another message. It contained a link to a different .ru site. My morbid curiosity got the better of me and I clicked. Same video player, same sped-up footage.

Two people, a man and a woman, were seated next to one another. Another person was present. He was masked and pointing a gun at the head of the woman. She lifted a towel off a fish tank on a table in front of them. A massive wolf spider stood inside, her body covered with a writhing sea of babies. The masked figure tapped the gun against the top of the woman’s head. She reached in and, after pausing for a split second and closing her eyes, shoved the spider into her mouth.

The arachnid burst between her teeth and the babies crawled over her face. She chewed while the man looked on, crying. As the woman chewed, she maneuvered herself between the legs of the crying man. Before she could perform the act mentioned in the story, she vomited the contents of her mouth onto her partner and the floor. The masked figure fired two shots into the woman’s head. Another person came in from the background and began lapping the up the expelled spider contents and resumed the place in the story. The video cut away.

I was sick. Literally. I ran into the bathroom and puked up the bacon, egg, and cheese I’d had a couple hours before. This was nothing like any Reddit confessions or other weird smut I’d seen in the past. When I got back, my browser had frozen. I had to do a hard restart of my machine. When everything reloaded, the page was gone. The [deleted] messages were gone. And I was absolutely terrified. I thought about calling the police, but with no evidence and only my own stories existing to make me look like the crazy one, I decided to just work on calming the fuck down. It didn’t work very well.

A couple weeks went without anything out of the ordinary happening. I prayed it was over. I’d started to convince myself the videos were pranks by one of my more creative and insane fans. I even visualized getting an email in the near future that would tell me me it was a joke and they were thankful that I’d inspired their performances. Yesterday, I got a message. It wasn’t what I’d hoped for.

The message referenced a very short comment I’d made on a post about the mouth of a lamprey. Here’s the image that inspired this comment:

“I’d wrap that lamprey around my cock and not only fuck it, but spin it around like an old school pencil sharpener until I either came or bled to death. No way that lamprey isn’t getting fucked. No way.”

All the [deleted] message said, after it told me how much it enjoyed my writing, was, “I’m delighted you decided to write this one in the first person. I’ve been wanting to meet you for so, so long. We’re going to make such a beautiful video together.”

Like I mentioned, that was yesterday. With all the other ones, the videos came a day after the message referring to the comment that inspired them. It’s been 16 hours, and all I can do is sit here, shaking with fear, waiting for the moment someone arrives at my door.


One Reply to “Something horrible is happening to me on Reddit.”

  1. The entire story was great, but my favorite part was the first sentence. I read and I just knew this was going to be a great story. So yeah thanks I liked it.👍

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